Mummy guilt is the shame or worry a mum feels when she does something for herself, separate from her children. It is incredibly common, it is mostly learned, and you can unlearn it. I know that because I met Bel Vaughanson on one of our courses at Mirosuna and quickly discovered her superpower: she does not suffer from mummy guilt at all. I could not wait to have her share how, so this article is co-created with Bel, in her words wherever they are quoted.
Meet Bel
Bel is married to her best friend and has two children, a daughter of eleven and a son of seven, both empathetic, wise and fiercely independent. Like most mums, she has had her challenges. Both children had reflux in their first year, which meant broken sleep for the whole family for a long time. Her days are busy and she juggles a lot. She still makes it her top priority to do things for herself and practise good self-care.
What mummy guilt is, and why it is so common
Bel describes it as when mums "feel guilt or shame when they do something for themselves separate from their children", especially when it means calling on a husband, extended family or friends, "and that somehow, focusing on themselves makes them less of a mother".
The danger, she says, is that "as a mum you can find yourself caught up and lost in motherhood, which is all kinds of wonderful, but if we don't look after ourselves we are in danger of losing ourselves, and ultimately not being the mothers we so deeply desire to be for our children".
Where it comes from
Bel thinks there are many roots. Some mums do not know how to ask for help, or do not want to. Some have no real support network. Some were made to feel guilty in the past for doing something just for themselves. And some, she has noticed, wear the guilt almost as a badge of honour, as proof to themselves or others that they are a devoted mum because they suffer.
The moment Bel decided
Bel has never subscribed to mummy guilt, because she realised early that she had to look after herself to be the mum she wanted to be. In her daughter's first year she was, rightly, besotted. Then one day she caught up with a friend she had not seen in a while, and walking away realised she had only been able to talk about her daughter and how hard the first months had been.
"It was like I had been slapped in the face. I didn't even know who I was anymore. I had lost myself in motherhood. I had forgotten that I needed to take care of myself to be able to take care of my family." The question that settled it for her was simple: what did she want her daughter to see when she looked at her? "I wanted her to see how much I loved her, but how much I also loved myself."
What self-care looks like in a busy week
"Self-care doesn't always have to be a grand gesture, although I do those too. You can make it simple and part of your every day," Bel says.
Every Monday night is bath night, and her family knows not to interrupt it. She walks after work with all her devices off, which is non-negotiable. She loves photography and uses it to be creative and escape into her own thoughts. She calls friends, goes out for dinner, heads to the movies alone and keeps up her book club. Her husband gets up early on Sunday mornings and takes the kids to the markets so she can sleep in. A supportive partner, she says, is a very big help.
Then there are the bigger things, done less often. "Once or twice a year I head to my caravan at the beach alone for the night, or book myself a nice hotel room. I use it to reflect, recharge and set goals. I'll book a course and go alone or with a friend. Last year I even went to Bali with my sisters-in-law."
Bel's five tips for overcoming mummy guilt
- Start small. Have the bath. Sit outside with a cup of tea. Go to bed early. Nourish your body with a proper meal.
- Reframe your thinking. Instead of thinking about what your kids will miss while you are gone, think about what they gain when you come back.
- Trust your tribe and ask for help. Bel's daughter says she is happy when her mum does things for herself, because she gets quality time with her dad, grandparents, aunts and uncles. Think about that.
- Take the old sayings seriously. "Sleep when the baby sleeps" and "you can't pour from an empty cup" are not just sayings.
- Think about how you want your children to see you. What lessons do you teach them when they watch you look after yourself?
How mindfulness helps
"Mindfulness, and being more in tune with my thoughts, feelings, words and actions, acts as a signpost to check in with myself more regularly," Bel says. She gives an example. She finished work one day, the kids were grating on her nerves and she was growling at them left, right and centre.
"Enter mindfulness. I stopped. I checked in with my body: my shoulders were tight and I was getting a headache. I checked in with my feelings: my chest was tight with anxiety. I checked in with my words and actions: I had a short fuse and I was yelling at the kids. Then I recalled my day, and in it, not one bit of self-care. I hadn't even stopped to eat."
That check-in is the whole practice. Body, feelings, words, actions. Once you can see the pattern, you can change it, usually with something as small as a meal and ten quiet minutes.
Practise with us
Many mums are part of the Mirosuna community, and a class is one of the simplest ways to give yourself a regular, guilt-free hour. Browse our class timetable for in-person and online sessions, or book a sound meditation to let the singing bowls do the work of settling a frazzled nervous system. If you are in the early months, read Patricia's mindfulness for new mamas, and for quick practices that fit between school runs, try our mindfulness tips for busy parents.